The Bounds of My Frustration

DAY FOUR


When I woke up this morning I felt frustrated with my life. So anxious for change and feeling the need to do something physical to let go of my old patterns and ways of thinking. Considering going for a run. It is so dark outside and I don’t really know where I am. I wonder why it is that I have gone for so long without meeting anyone that I am into and that is into me.

Frustrated with my financial state. It is pretty good, but still not enough. This is what I keep saying to myself and it keeps staying like that. When am I going to finish telling myself that everything is not enough? I think this is the root of all of my problems. Every time money comes in I say in the back of my mind that it is not enough. Every time I meet someone I find some reason to say he is not enough. My parents never give me enough love, I never have enough food, I never have enough business, I never have enough popularity, I never have enough stuff, my relationship with God is not good enough.

That is what I will release. Men are enough – they are wonderful and are just trying to work out their shit the same way I am. They are trying to improve themselves. They are afraid of making mistakes. They are scared, and sad, and lonely. They celebrate their friendships and their families. They bring joy to the lives of others, they support their spouses.

I keep thinking that it is important to me to have someone in the same socio-economic background as I am/will be in. I am focusing so much energy on this man-hole again. I need to stop and smell the men. Just relax and enjoy them for once.

I went out for dinner tonight in a small town outside the arctic and I was once again filled with the eye feast that is Sweden. Beautiful men everywhere making eye contact. I always look away, but at least now I can use my month without men as an excuse. Before I used to look away because I wanted to be admired, and chased. That is actually not working at all. I think when I was younger I had a different method. Since I was usually at a club I would search the room for the one I wanted to meet and then go and dance beside him, pretending not to notice him, until he noticed me and came over. Perhaps part of my problem now is that I am not the most desirable woman in the room anymore so I need to devise new tactics. This is what women talk about when they tell you not to rely on your looks. One day it will become ineffective.

I just checked my email and saw that I have winks from one of the dating websites I am on – it took all the willpower I had not to check them. I do not need external validation. I do not need external validation. I do not need external validation.

I’ll go on facebook so I can be with my real friends instead. I decided to un-friend Kelly and Ryan (my ex-babysitter and my ex-boyfriend) who recently married. I could not stand any more photos. Kelly somehow noticed and tried to re-add me as a friend. I told her no-offence, and I wished her all the best, but I just can’t keep seeing this shit on my newsfeed.