Day Two

Standing in the check out line this morning I was particularly pleased with myself for having the correct luggage and being able to spread my stuff out in the proper way to win the ever raging luggage weight battle. I was also pleased that two different men - one in front of me in line and the other behind, separately asked me questions about where to line up. The man in front of me was very attractive – in his early forties. Once I answered both of their questions a silence fell over us. I had a question prepared for each man to continue our conversations, but I clearly had to make a choice. The second man was an older gentleman in his 60s wearing a nautical tie. Had I not been on my man sabbatical I would certainly have spoken to the potential husband to my right, smiled big and batted my eyelids. I took a deep breath and reminded myself of my commitment to shaking this constant state of desperation. I turned to my left and asked the older gentleman if he was wearing a nautical tie. That question engaged us in a very stimulating conversation about boating, traveling, and the current state of China. It was fulfilling and wonderful. The man to my right turned and had a conversation with an older woman on his left that he seemed to enjoy. I was ok with that . . . maybe I can do this.

Sensing that I was on my way to mastery the Universe quickly threw in a trick play. On my second flight I was accompanied by one of the Swedish men’s hockey teams. Directly across from me sat a cute Canadian who was over here playing with them. Turns out we both went to the same University at the same time.

He seemed a little uncomfortable, guarded, and twirled his wedding ring around his finger so I could see it. We chatted for a bit and I decided to put his mind at ease by asking about his wife and where she was from. He relaxed a little. The cynic in me says he did this in order to stop himself from flirting, or to stop others from seeing him as flirting. If he were really confident in his self and his marriage he wouldn't be afraid of a harmless conversation. I think he is a cheater.

I am so much more comfortable making a man think I am not interested than in making him think that I am. An ex boyfriend of mine accused me of making every man think I was in love with him. I am sure I did do that – only because I wanted every man to be in love with me, and I can turn it on easily with both men and women. That was so long ago now - back when I was young and fearless!

My fear of rejection is much stronger now than my desire for everyone to love me – if that makes any sense – so I choose to push people away. I have met many men who trod heavily on the softness of a woman’s exposed heart, and I have chosen to let it heal under the dark cover of heavy armor.

Actually, now that I think about it, I send the complete wrong signals to men. Those who I want to like me I completely ignore and wait for them to come up and tell me they are overcome with passion and must know my name (very realistic I know), and those I don't give a rat's ass about I am happy and laughing and totally enjoying their attention. And I get pissed off when men do this with me! This is often how I end up in relationships with men who I should have just been friends with. I send the wrong signals, but like the attention, and end up falling for the guy.

Only one day and already I have figured out all of my issues. I must be ready for some male interaction then!