Ode to My Vibrator

DAY SIX

My first night in Scotland and I was roused at 3 AM by a couple fighting. It has been a while since I have had a relationship and I had forgotten what it felt like to have a lover's quarrel. I had a moment where I thought maybe it is better to be alone then having to deal with that shit. I couldn’t understand their drunken Scottish accents, but remembered the tone and passion in their voices. The fighting didn’t end with sex, or if it did it was quiet sex - but it was definitely a lover’s quarrel.

I concluded that my next relationship wouldn’t be like that. I have spent time alone finding myself, therefore I am way to conscious to have a frustrating relationship now! I am so aware - especially when I’m drunk? I am kidding myself.

I had a sex dream last night. I was walking through the mall with a vibrator in my pants and no one knew. Great sex dream eh? It has been a long time since I masturbated, but come on – really? It isn’t the first time I have dreamt about my vibrator, but it is kind of a sad day when I no longer have any sexual fantasies worth having. The last couple of times I have masturbated it hasn’t even been that great because it takes me forever to concentrate on it. Perhaps I just need more practice.

When I was a performance poet my vibrator and I got a lot of action. I wrote a poem to it:

Ode to My Vibrator

I love the way you make me feel
over and over again
your length, your width, that soft smooth appeal
over and over again

Light or dark, day or night
you're always hard
and ready to un-tighten me

You may not get me water
but that's ok
you don't care if I pass out half way
or call you several different names

No need to speak
I can just close my eyes
no performance anxiety
or time wasted kissing my thighs
just go for the good stuff
you're in and you're out
even when I just lay there
you still jump about

so far our relationship has been ideal
no feelings, no jealousy
just erotic appeal
I wonder; is it healthy for me to not want that real feeling?

I'll answer that question the next time a man
makes me feel as good as my
plastic friend
over and over and over and over and over and over
again.

I don't travel with a vibrator. Maybe that is what my dream was trying to tell me! I wish it was here now. . . my toothbrush is starting to look like a viable option. . . oh, what the hell. It wouldn’t be the first time I have used a toiletry item in Europe to get off. The last time involved a Turkish guy in Stockholm who I invited back to my hotel room to have sex. He didn't speak any English (it is better this way). We met in a store while I was shopping. He offered to follow me around and carry my bags for me. He was very good looking, chissled features, 6 feet plus - he told me that he was a model in Milan (either that or he shoveld pigs in a meat freezer). I was feeling pretty wild. It was a stop over and there was no one who knew me there so I decided I would be bold and bring him home. Alas, when we got back to my room he took off his coat and had really bad B.O. - so I made him leave, rented a porno, and got cozy with the back end of my razor.

I even used my finger once in Finland. I was surprised it worked. I had never used such un-technical equipment before. Sort of like using a pencil instead of a computer to write a story.

Well . . . it's been nice chatting, but I have to go get off now.