Jet Lag Insomnia

DAY THREE

I woke up this morning (or in the middle of the night – depending on what time zone you are in) after having a very strange, but very telling dream. In it, my mother was at my house unexpectedly, but gladly because she was taking care of all the kids and dogs who were there running around. I was in the bedroom with my Dad, my friend Andrea’s drunken, passed out boyfriend, my friend Kristin's boyfriend, and several other men. Andrea's boyfriend would wake up every once and a while and try unsuccessfully to suck on my breasts, Kristin’s boyfriend climbed on top of me and tried to have sex with me while all the other guys waited for their turn, but he couldn’t – presumably because of Kristin (I stroked his back and tried to make him feel comfortable even though I didn’t want to have sex with him). Then when he left there was this other guy who is pretty creepy who tried, but I didn’t want to. The cute guys who didn’t have girlfriends were waiting around to see what everyone else did. So when Krisitn’s boyfriend left I said, ok who’s next? And just so you know no one is getting in there without a condom. It was really sad.

At one point I said – I am trying to stay away from men and now I have ended up with the four best looking ones in my bed.

My Dad left before all that happened. He was this silhouette in the distance playing with his dog. He kept getting more and more puppies to take care of.

Then I was in my house and the guy upstairs who was mad at me for making noise in my own house was taking out the garbage and swearing at my Mom who had already had a run in with him. Then Junior and another friend named Carlie showed up together. He flopped himself on the stairs (like a puppy) and stuck his head in the door. I invited him in but he still didn’t come and touch me like I wanted him to. I wondered why he and Carlie were together in the first place.

I often have wild dreams when I am interrupted while sleeping. In real life I got a text message from Junior asking if I had a nice flight. I am debating whether or not to answer him. I still don’t know what the point of all of this is. I suppose it is for me to stop spending my energy obsessing over finding a man. My question is: is it ok for me to still want to sleep with them? I think my dream was telling me that I don’t want to use men. That even though I may feel lucky to have all these gorgeous guys I can sleep with, that under it all I am putting on an act and that my friends are lucky to have guys that want more than sex from them.

At various points in my life I have chosen to give pieces of myself away to men. In fact for years I did it on a weekly basis. I had sex with men I didn’t even like just because I could make myself feel horny enough to do it. Then I could turn that into a wish that he would take care of me financially. It never worked out. I did whatever I could to do that while being different in their eyes. The worst thing in the world for me would be to be like every other woman. It is occurring to me at this moment that every other woman gets married.

I know why I do this, and it is also the reason why my father was in the dream. I was embarrassed for him to see me surrounded by men and having them taking turns having a go at me. I wanted him to do something about it. I wanted more than anything for one of them to care and to stop me from hurting myself, but I knew it wouldn’t happen because I was too capable. My Dad has always let me do my own thing. He let my boyfriends stay over in my bed when I was 15 years old. Did he hear us having sex? No wonder I have boundary issues.

I do this because my dad was very critical of women and did not respect them. I feel I have to play a certain role around them for them to like me. That role became very clear in the dream I had last night. I am a sexual place where men come to work out their shit and feel nurtured. The problem with this is the lack of reciprocation. I don’t ask to be nurtured, I don’t complain, I give them all the freedom they want so I can have all the freedom I want, but end up alone. Children need discipline and boundaries, so do my friends, so do I, so do men.


I got another text message from a guy I have asked to stop pursuing me several times. He asked me what I am up to this week end. I told him I am in Europe. He is one of the people who have said to me: how can you expect to have a relationship when you travel all the time? I guess it is harder when you aren’t home, but doesn’t it get hard once the relationship starts?

By the way – I recognize the irony of the fact that writing this blog about not obsessing about men is actually another form of obsessing about them.

So I am wondering if I should text Junior back. Part of me wants to make him sweat it out for all of the times he has made me wait for a response. I am 98% sure I don’t want to be with him anyway.

Andrea called me to see if I made it ok. She said someone should know if I am alive. She and I have always done this for each other. We are both so independent that no one bothers to check up on us – especially not our parents. We both recognize that we have a need for that every once and a while.

Maybe Junior's message to me was his caring if I made it here or not! I texted him back. How much can you overlook in a person in order to have someone who texts or calls you to see if you made it ok. And why do I put more stock in his doing it than in Andrea’s? She and I have been close for so long that we are family now.

I am feeling a bit sorry for myself today. I went on facebook to update my status and saw that Kelly – my old babysitter and protegee – had posted some of her wedding photos. Normally I am very happy for people who get married, but she married my ex boyfriend of 8 years. He looks like hell – fat and bald, and my Mom keeps telling me I dogged a bullet, but it is hard to see them all smiling and laughing. As much as I want to feel sorry for myself I fully acknowledge that I wouldn’t have wanted their life. It was a tacky wedding – Kelly looked beautiful but predictable, strapless dress, up-do, crown – and they looked like they were playing dress up. They really are perfect for each other and I am sure they will have a perfect life together. Ryan and I would never have been happy in that way.

Junior just texted me back. Telling me how much money he has spent.

That is another thing that I may be a little fucked up over. I feel like he is not good enough because he is not rich enough. I need a multi-millionaire so I can become one too.

I don’t understand relationships at all. Apparently, if you love someone, nothing else matters. But how do you get to that point. No one seems to be able to get past the foyer. The only ones I let in are the ones that I think are not a threat cause I would never be with them. Like Junior.

I feel like I am stuck in a sector of life that I just can’t seem to break out of. It is time for a change on so many levels and I feel frustrated. This blog is dangerously close to becoming verbal diarrhea – sorry about that.

I am sitting here in Sweden at 4:30 in the morning. Emails answered, bills paid, bored. So I am texting with Junior and thinking about going on dating websites. I think that would go against my month without men plan. While just texting him I thought of texting Brandon to tell him I am in Europe for a month – to let him know I am not pining away in Toronto for him while he travels the world. I am clearly having a re-lapse.

Mine and Junior’s text message conversation is about golf. I want it to be about us. I want him to tell me that he is sorry and thinks I am beautiful and fantastic and that he has issues with blah blah blah and can I save him? God I am dying to love someone. I am so sad. This isn’t working.

It doesn’t matter where I am. I can run to the most remote corner of the world and still feel like I have it all wrong. There will still be young couples holding hands and getting married, and what am I doing? I feel like I am not even succeeding at my business. How much longer can I dance on that tight-rope. God help me please.

My life is waiting for me when I get back to step right into it, but I don’t want to. On the surface it seems so great. I have a huge home that I have purchased as an investment that is making me money – or could be, if I would rent the basement out properly, but instead I keep letting people stay there for free – just keeping me inches away from prosperity. Why can’t I let myself have success. Why do I always jam things up when they are close to second.

Faith is playing on my computer. I didn’t hear it the first time so God played it again.

Well I need someone to hold me but I wait for somethin' more...
Cause I gotta have faith.
I just have to wait
Cause I gotta have faith

Now father figure is on.

I need something else to focus on.

Perhaps I will plan my day tomorrow. I need to research the top ten reasons why the Swedish Arctic is a private lover's paradise. Awesome.